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Counting the Cost
Goodreads Choice Award
Nominee for Best Memoir & Autobiography (2023)For the first time, discover the unedited truth about the Duggars, the traditional Christian family that captivated the nation on TLC’s hit show 19 Kids and Counting. Jill Duggar and her husband Derick are finally ready to share their story, revealing the secrets, manipulation, and intimidation behind the show that remained hidden from their fans.
Jill and Derick knew a normal life wasn’t possible for them. As a star on the popular TLC reality show 19 Kids and Counting, Jill grew up in front of viewers who were fascinated by her family’s way of life. She was the responsible, second daughter of Jim Bob and Michelle’s nineteen kids; always with a baby on her hip and happy to wear the modest ankle-length dresses with throat-high necklines. She didn’t protest the strict model of patriarchy that her family followed, which declares that men are superior, that women are expected to be wives and mothers and are discouraged from attaining a higher education, and that parental authority over their children continues well into adulthood, even once they are married.
But as Jill got older, married Derick, and they embarked on their own lives, the red flags became too obvious to ignore. For as long as they could, Jill and Derick tried to be obedient family members — they weren’t willing to rock the boat. But now they’re raising a family of their own, and they’re done with the secrets. Thanks to time, tears, therapy, and blessings from God, they have the strength to share their journey. Theirs is a remarkable story of the power of the truth and is a moving example of how to find healing through honesty.
Jill and Derick knew a normal life wasn’t possible for them. As a star on the popular TLC reality show 19 Kids and Counting, Jill grew up in front of viewers who were fascinated by her family’s way of life. She was the responsible, second daughter of Jim Bob and Michelle’s nineteen kids; always with a baby on her hip and happy to wear the modest ankle-length dresses with throat-high necklines. She didn’t protest the strict model of patriarchy that her family followed, which declares that men are superior, that women are expected to be wives and mothers and are discouraged from attaining a higher education, and that parental authority over their children continues well into adulthood, even once they are married.
But as Jill got older, married Derick, and they embarked on their own lives, the red flags became too obvious to ignore. For as long as they could, Jill and Derick tried to be obedient family members — they weren’t willing to rock the boat. But now they’re raising a family of their own, and they’re done with the secrets. Thanks to time, tears, therapy, and blessings from God, they have the strength to share their journey. Theirs is a remarkable story of the power of the truth and is a moving example of how to find healing through honesty.
287 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 12, 2023
About the author
Jill Duggar
2 books269 followersAlso known as Jill Dillard; second daughter and fourth overall out of 19 children in the Duggar family.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 8,332 reviews
September 15, 2023
full video explaining a lot more of my thoughts: HERE
This is the book Jinger could not write - a full expose on the Duggar family dealings, how the parents use the family machine and religion to control their children, and the hard, hard work of therapy and coming to know yourself that it takes to leave.
Now I say Counting the Cost is the book Jill - not Jinger - had to write. Because for a people pleaser, a favorite child, and the first to get married and to leave, Jill was the guinea pig for what it meant to be a Duggar Daughter.
As a former IBLP Daughter - I felt Jill's emotional, hard-wrought struggle. The day she wore pants for the first time, her father's ensuing meltdown, the tension of longing to please, yet desperate for freedom - that journey was achingly familiar.
The anxiety I felt the entire last third of this book - if you grew up with a controlling, manipulative parent - you too will understand. Because controlling parents are not just in fundamentalist cults. They exist across religious and cultural lines.
And rarely, rarely, does anyone have the courage to explore family estrangement. Jill outlines the cost of estrangement - the cost to not set your boundaries and the cost once you do.
Also 100% true to experience to spend 200 pages outlining extreme parental abuse to end with the small steps you’re taking to reconcile with said parent.
Because completely cutting off a parent is next to impossible and the desire to one day please them is ever-present. Ugh, I see myself in Jill’s voice so much.
Bravo, Jill. Bravo to all the IBLP Daughters who have fought so long, and so hard, for our voice. The cost is beyond what anyone outside of IBLP could ever grasp. But the freedom - the joy - and the peace beyond IBLP is well worth every penny.
This is the book Jinger could not write - a full expose on the Duggar family dealings, how the parents use the family machine and religion to control their children, and the hard, hard work of therapy and coming to know yourself that it takes to leave.
Now I say Counting the Cost is the book Jill - not Jinger - had to write. Because for a people pleaser, a favorite child, and the first to get married and to leave, Jill was the guinea pig for what it meant to be a Duggar Daughter.
As a former IBLP Daughter - I felt Jill's emotional, hard-wrought struggle. The day she wore pants for the first time, her father's ensuing meltdown, the tension of longing to please, yet desperate for freedom - that journey was achingly familiar.
The anxiety I felt the entire last third of this book - if you grew up with a controlling, manipulative parent - you too will understand. Because controlling parents are not just in fundamentalist cults. They exist across religious and cultural lines.
And rarely, rarely, does anyone have the courage to explore family estrangement. Jill outlines the cost of estrangement - the cost to not set your boundaries and the cost once you do.
Also 100% true to experience to spend 200 pages outlining extreme parental abuse to end with the small steps you’re taking to reconcile with said parent.
Because completely cutting off a parent is next to impossible and the desire to one day please them is ever-present. Ugh, I see myself in Jill’s voice so much.
Bravo, Jill. Bravo to all the IBLP Daughters who have fought so long, and so hard, for our voice. The cost is beyond what anyone outside of IBLP could ever grasp. But the freedom - the joy - and the peace beyond IBLP is well worth every penny.
September 14, 2023
This book is not some sort of juicy tell-all. It is not the Duggar version of Jennette McCurdy's book either, though they share themes of child abuse and exploitation by the media. Jill's memoir is a straightforward recounting of growing up in the IBLP cult, being exploited by the Duggar show and by her father, and the steps she's taken towards healing and independence.
I disagree with the conservative views that, as far as I'm aware, Jill and her husband still hold. As an ex-Christian and a fundie snarker, I privately hoped to see more deconstruction of her upbringing and beliefs in this book, especially following the excellent Shiny Happy People documentary this summer. Jill is not critical of Michelle, despite how clear it seems to me that she has enabled and supported Jim Bob behind the scenes. All of that said, deconstruction and healing come in all forms, and I found myself so happy for Jill and the emotional work she's done. Before therapy even came up in the book, I noticed her word choice referring to her "inner critic" and responded like "Yes! She's gotten therapy!"
The work is no literary masterpiece, but it is still effective in its matter-of-fact tone at highlighting the systemic issues surrounding the Duggar family. There's an interesting intersection here between capitalist media, abusive family dynamics, and religious control. The combined balance of power seemed to weigh against Jill in every direction, and I'm proud of her for her self-advocacy. She does not go into detail about her experiences with Josh, and I respect that choice. That story was broadcast to so many people already, and her retraumatization has been so potent that I'm glad she has firmly decided not to talk about it. While I do think abuse needs to be talked about in order to be addressed, this should never be done without the consent of the victims and without giving them control over how the story is told.
Overall, this memoir plays it very safe, and this is probably a wise tactical move on Jill's part, especially given that she does not want to burn bridges with her family. Reading this book, it seems impossible to cast her as disrespectful, rebellious, or uncaring, though other fundamentalists still somehow do so. It's disheartening that Jim Bob and Michelle's response seems to be disappointment in Jill for telling her story publicly rather than handling it privately, though we see in the book that it's easier for the Duggar patriarch to maintain control and perpetuate imbalances of power when these issues are kept private. Although Jill doesn't take her deconstruction as far as I'd like to see it go, this work communicates how deeply she does not want to cause pain to others, and that in itself is very moving.
I disagree with the conservative views that, as far as I'm aware, Jill and her husband still hold. As an ex-Christian and a fundie snarker, I privately hoped to see more deconstruction of her upbringing and beliefs in this book, especially following the excellent Shiny Happy People documentary this summer. Jill is not critical of Michelle, despite how clear it seems to me that she has enabled and supported Jim Bob behind the scenes. All of that said, deconstruction and healing come in all forms, and I found myself so happy for Jill and the emotional work she's done. Before therapy even came up in the book, I noticed her word choice referring to her "inner critic" and responded like "Yes! She's gotten therapy!"
The work is no literary masterpiece, but it is still effective in its matter-of-fact tone at highlighting the systemic issues surrounding the Duggar family. There's an interesting intersection here between capitalist media, abusive family dynamics, and religious control. The combined balance of power seemed to weigh against Jill in every direction, and I'm proud of her for her self-advocacy. She does not go into detail about her experiences with Josh, and I respect that choice. That story was broadcast to so many people already, and her retraumatization has been so potent that I'm glad she has firmly decided not to talk about it. While I do think abuse needs to be talked about in order to be addressed, this should never be done without the consent of the victims and without giving them control over how the story is told.
Overall, this memoir plays it very safe, and this is probably a wise tactical move on Jill's part, especially given that she does not want to burn bridges with her family. Reading this book, it seems impossible to cast her as disrespectful, rebellious, or uncaring, though other fundamentalists still somehow do so. It's disheartening that Jim Bob and Michelle's response seems to be disappointment in Jill for telling her story publicly rather than handling it privately, though we see in the book that it's easier for the Duggar patriarch to maintain control and perpetuate imbalances of power when these issues are kept private. Although Jill doesn't take her deconstruction as far as I'd like to see it go, this work communicates how deeply she does not want to cause pain to others, and that in itself is very moving.
September 15, 2023
this woman just fully outed her father committing tax fraud
September 11, 2023
Jill's memoir did not disappoint. She tells the somewhat familiar story of her family but with the details that viewers never knew.
Throughout the book, you get to witness the transformation of Jill from a submissive people pleasing girl to a strong independent woman.
She does not shy away from hard topics and addresses the complicated relationship with her parents. The book is very insightful, and it is definitely worth the read.
Jill, if you see this, I'm cheering you on! Your resilience and bravery inspire me. I really relate to your religious upbringing and the parental conflicts as an adult. I've been through something similar and I know how difficult it can be to find your own autonomy and voice. The truth will set you free, and you can hold your head up knowing that your conscience is clear.
Note: I picked up this book at a bookstore over the weekend, not realizing my good fortune as it hasn't officially been released yet. I read it in one night!!
Throughout the book, you get to witness the transformation of Jill from a submissive people pleasing girl to a strong independent woman.
She does not shy away from hard topics and addresses the complicated relationship with her parents. The book is very insightful, and it is definitely worth the read.
Jill, if you see this, I'm cheering you on! Your resilience and bravery inspire me. I really relate to your religious upbringing and the parental conflicts as an adult. I've been through something similar and I know how difficult it can be to find your own autonomy and voice. The truth will set you free, and you can hold your head up knowing that your conscience is clear.
Note: I picked up this book at a bookstore over the weekend, not realizing my good fortune as it hasn't officially been released yet. I read it in one night!!
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December 25, 2023I read this is one sitting and if I could give zero stars I would....
I'm usually not this harsh when it comes to memoirs, but my friends I have a bone to pick with Jill Duggar and her homophobic/transphobic husband. Now, I picked this up because I grew up watching the Duggar family and I was curious to see how much Jill has been able to deconstruct her fundamentalist upbringing. Survey says that little to no deconstruction has occurred.
First, I applaud Jill for being able to use her voice. It takes a lot to be able to open up about the abuse she suffered at the hands of Jim Bob and her brother. To recount that and share it with the world must be difficult in a way that a lot of us don't understand. What was interesting about this read to me is that I found Derrick to be controlling as well. Not in the same capacity as Jim Bob, but still dominating in a way that is uncomfortable. It's also fascinating that not once in this book did she hold Michelle responsible for any behaviors she engaged in during their time on television and after. It is hard to deny the fact that Michelle enabled and allowed the behavior of her husband to continue in a way that was harmful to her children, yet Jill made her carry no burden of the responsibility. I'm not sure if that is because of the dynamics of their religious beliefs, but it was interesting.
Jill may be separating herself from the Duggar family, but she and her husband continue to be a reminder of why I take issue with White Evangelicalism. The way she talked about mission work gave this undertone that they "must save the poor brown people who know nothing of our Jesus." It's disgusting. And while I can recognize the traumatic situations that Jill was raised in, I can equally acknowledge the irony of her and her husband seeking empathy while he goes on transphobic tirades via Twitter. This exploration of her time on television via her family is two-fold; it serves as a space for her to voice her feelings, but at the same time it's pretty surface level. No reader should dive into this expecting big revelations. If you've kept up with the family then you'll know most of the content of this book. I find it both disgusting and deplorable the way that Jim Bob treated Jill, but I also find Derrick's behavior disgusting. More therapy and more time are needed. It'll be interesting to see where these two end up in about 10-15 years.
I'm usually not this harsh when it comes to memoirs, but my friends I have a bone to pick with Jill Duggar and her homophobic/transphobic husband. Now, I picked this up because I grew up watching the Duggar family and I was curious to see how much Jill has been able to deconstruct her fundamentalist upbringing. Survey says that little to no deconstruction has occurred.
First, I applaud Jill for being able to use her voice. It takes a lot to be able to open up about the abuse she suffered at the hands of Jim Bob and her brother. To recount that and share it with the world must be difficult in a way that a lot of us don't understand. What was interesting about this read to me is that I found Derrick to be controlling as well. Not in the same capacity as Jim Bob, but still dominating in a way that is uncomfortable. It's also fascinating that not once in this book did she hold Michelle responsible for any behaviors she engaged in during their time on television and after. It is hard to deny the fact that Michelle enabled and allowed the behavior of her husband to continue in a way that was harmful to her children, yet Jill made her carry no burden of the responsibility. I'm not sure if that is because of the dynamics of their religious beliefs, but it was interesting.
Jill may be separating herself from the Duggar family, but she and her husband continue to be a reminder of why I take issue with White Evangelicalism. The way she talked about mission work gave this undertone that they "must save the poor brown people who know nothing of our Jesus." It's disgusting. And while I can recognize the traumatic situations that Jill was raised in, I can equally acknowledge the irony of her and her husband seeking empathy while he goes on transphobic tirades via Twitter. This exploration of her time on television via her family is two-fold; it serves as a space for her to voice her feelings, but at the same time it's pretty surface level. No reader should dive into this expecting big revelations. If you've kept up with the family then you'll know most of the content of this book. I find it both disgusting and deplorable the way that Jim Bob treated Jill, but I also find Derrick's behavior disgusting. More therapy and more time are needed. It'll be interesting to see where these two end up in about 10-15 years.
November 1, 2023
"You want to know why I'm crying?" My voice was cracked, my eyes burning. "It's that you think I'm some kind of horrible person just because I wear pants and have a nose ring, and yet you see the girl outside and praise her. That's why I'm crying, Daddy. I'm evolving and changing, just like that girl out there, but you can't see it. You treat me like I'm a prodigal who's turned her back on you. You treat me worse than you treat my pedophile brother." pg. 268
Like many others, I grew up watching the 19 Kids and Counting TV show on TLC, not because I am religious, or a part of the IBLP, but because I thought the family was so interesting. I watched live as Josh Duggar's involvement in the Ashley Madison scandal came out to the public, and when the information about his abuse toward his sisters came out, I watched the Jill and Jessa interview with Megyn Kelly. By then I knew the family was not healthy, and to some extent abusive but I continued watching as Jill and Jessa: Counting on was on TLC. Over the years it has become clear that Job-Bob was abusive and controlling to his children in many, many ways, however, the Shiny Happy People documentary that was released earlier this year really put the abuse into perspective for their wider audience and even the general public.
"I was blind to it at the time, but eventually, I would see just how dangerous and toxic IBLP's teachings about authority were in my life." pg. 74
Although Jill's memoir covers similar topics that are discussed in the Shiny Happy People documentary, (which she was a part of) what I really enjoyed about this book was hearing it from her perspective, and in her words. You could tell through her writing how empowered she was to be finally telling her story, and I know this book will reach and inspire hundreds of people to find their voice and do the same. If not, it will be validating to people in similar situations of familial abuse and control, whether there are ties to religion or not, and without a doubt in my mind will help many leave similar situations.
“It seemed to me that he was realizing that he was losing control of me. He’d text verses reminding me to “honor thy father and mother,” and every conversation we had just heaped more guilt on me, leaving fear gripping my throat even tighter. Often he would text me and apologize, but the messages were often followed up by more words condemning our actions or calling us out. His apologies felt insincere and invalid. Hardly a day would go by without some barbed message from him—either directly or from one of my siblings—and it got so that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore." pg. 210
Overall, as a fan of Jill Duggar as a little girl, and as a big fan of her now as an adult, all I have to say is that I am so proud of her. The fact that she named the things Jim-Bob (and sometimes Michelle) were doing to her as abuse, and called her brother Josh a pedophile, are two of many clear signs in this book that she's been able to break out of the cult control of the IBLP, Bill Gothard's 7 basic life principles, the umbrella of authority, the abusive control of her parents, and deprogram and grow from all she's been through. It was also encouraging to read about how many of her siblings (whom she doesn't name, which I respect so much) now have come to her for advice on how to ensure Jim-Bob does not infiltrate, dictate, or influence their marriages, and how others have followed in her footsteps of wearing pants, drinking alcohol, using birth control, etc. She is such a huge role model, and if the rest of the kids see through her that freedom from the control their under is possible, hopefully, it will be easier for them if they decide to follow in her footsteps. I am so happy she was able to find a husband and partner as supportive as Derrick and wish nothing but peace and happiness for her, Derrick, and their 3 beautiful children.
If you are a former fan of the 19 Kids and Counting TV show, the Duggars in general, religious cults, or celebrity memoirs I highly recommend reading Counting the Cost by Jill Duggar. It was real, emotional, and extremely impactful. It is definitely one of my favourite celebrity memoirs I've ever read, and I wouldn't be surprised if it makes my top 10 books of 2023 list at the end of the year!
November 22, 2023
Let me start this by saying that I grew up in IBLP at the same time the Duggars did, so my training/experiences are similar.
I admire the work that Jill has done in her own life to break free from IBLP teachings. As someone who is actively doing this work as well, I know first-hand how hard it is to deprogram from this thinking. To those reviewers who are saying that she does not go far enough, I would like to remind you that this is not your garden-variety evangelicalism that she's breaking from. This is a level of mind and body control that gets into your nervous system and that will take decades to break free from. Outsiders may see how much further she can go, but good grief, just cut her some slack.
Also, as Jill freely admits, she was trained to not criticize her family. I know from experience that this does not go away overnight. Ten-plus years into therapy and my heart still races when I say anything even remotely contradictory to my family. I commend her for how far she was able to go in this book in calling out the wrongs committed by her family – and her dad in particular.
As I was reading Jill's story, I couldn't help but think how responsible the fandom is for her family's toxic rise to fame – TLC, the regular watchers who tuned in for the spectacle, even the snarkers – all this contributes to the dollar amounts places like People and TLC were willing to pay for wedding photos and baby stories.
A few other thoughts/ways that IBLP impacted me:
- Performative behaviors that lead to loneliness.
- Parents who pit siblings against one another.
- Jinger calling her parents to justify her behavior after she became an adult (I've done this so many times).
I've seen a few articles about this book saying (almost lamenting) that it is not a tell-all. I have no idea what these people want, because Jill is clearly laying bare the hypocrisy, abuse, and manipulation she endured. It doesn't have to be any more extreme than that for it to be bad.
I have also seen a few people question why she does not hold her parents more responsible (something she addresses in the book), and to that I say, it's not your journey. Also keep in mind that her parents are both victims and perpetrators: they are victims of Bill Gothard's teachings and they actively harmed their children. Both can be true at the same time. Jill needs to deal with her own shit and she needs to let her parents deal with theirs – she is not responsible for their behavior. Jill is only responsible for her and she's doing that admirably.
As someone who grew up in IBLP, and who is now deprogramming, it is comforting to hear of other people who have had similar struggles to break free. It's good to know that not everyone who was brought up in that world has stayed. It gives me hope that in another generation, IBLP will be just a footnote in the history books. Thanks, Jill.
-----
EDIT: Even though my experience aren't as extreme as Jill's, if you're interested in what it's like to leave fundamentalism, I write about it at https://notyourhelpmeet.substack.com/
I admire the work that Jill has done in her own life to break free from IBLP teachings. As someone who is actively doing this work as well, I know first-hand how hard it is to deprogram from this thinking. To those reviewers who are saying that she does not go far enough, I would like to remind you that this is not your garden-variety evangelicalism that she's breaking from. This is a level of mind and body control that gets into your nervous system and that will take decades to break free from. Outsiders may see how much further she can go, but good grief, just cut her some slack.
Also, as Jill freely admits, she was trained to not criticize her family. I know from experience that this does not go away overnight. Ten-plus years into therapy and my heart still races when I say anything even remotely contradictory to my family. I commend her for how far she was able to go in this book in calling out the wrongs committed by her family – and her dad in particular.
As I was reading Jill's story, I couldn't help but think how responsible the fandom is for her family's toxic rise to fame – TLC, the regular watchers who tuned in for the spectacle, even the snarkers – all this contributes to the dollar amounts places like People and TLC were willing to pay for wedding photos and baby stories.
A few other thoughts/ways that IBLP impacted me:
- Performative behaviors that lead to loneliness.
- Parents who pit siblings against one another.
- Jinger calling her parents to justify her behavior after she became an adult (I've done this so many times).
I've seen a few articles about this book saying (almost lamenting) that it is not a tell-all. I have no idea what these people want, because Jill is clearly laying bare the hypocrisy, abuse, and manipulation she endured. It doesn't have to be any more extreme than that for it to be bad.
I have also seen a few people question why she does not hold her parents more responsible (something she addresses in the book), and to that I say, it's not your journey. Also keep in mind that her parents are both victims and perpetrators: they are victims of Bill Gothard's teachings and they actively harmed their children. Both can be true at the same time. Jill needs to deal with her own shit and she needs to let her parents deal with theirs – she is not responsible for their behavior. Jill is only responsible for her and she's doing that admirably.
As someone who grew up in IBLP, and who is now deprogramming, it is comforting to hear of other people who have had similar struggles to break free. It's good to know that not everyone who was brought up in that world has stayed. It gives me hope that in another generation, IBLP will be just a footnote in the history books. Thanks, Jill.
-----
EDIT: Even though my experience aren't as extreme as Jill's, if you're interested in what it's like to leave fundamentalism, I write about it at https://notyourhelpmeet.substack.com/
November 2, 2023
Jill Duggar and her husband Derrick are still very problematic people in my personal view, but out of the 19 Duggar kids it's pretty clear that Jill is definitely one of the most normal people in her extended family. She has learned boundaries, she has gone to therapy, and she chose to stop participating in the family reality tv series before it got cancelled (again) due to her brother Josh's actions (again). This book, which Jill also narrates for the audiobook, is a good look behind the scenes of the Duggar façade that TLC and Jill's parents have put up. For those who have watched the show you will find out
- how things really went when Jill visited Derrick in Nepal
- the dangers they faced during their missionary trip in Guatemala
- what finally forced Jill and Derrick to demand financial compensation for their time on the tv show - and how the fall out from that led to them emotionally and physically distancing themselves from some of her family
I found this book to be very interesting seeing as a train-wreck watcher of the Duggar tv shows (as in, I couldn't look away even though I found the family and their beliefs to be disturbing).
- how things really went when Jill visited Derrick in Nepal
- the dangers they faced during their missionary trip in Guatemala
- what finally forced Jill and Derrick to demand financial compensation for their time on the tv show - and how the fall out from that led to them emotionally and physically distancing themselves from some of her family
I found this book to be very interesting seeing as a train-wreck watcher of the Duggar tv shows (as in, I couldn't look away even though I found the family and their beliefs to be disturbing).
September 12, 2023
Finished in one sitting. 5 stars because she is a Christ follower who does not shy away from being fully transparent about all of the harm her parents and siblings put her through. Jinger’s book gives a lot of insight on why the IBLP breeds men into abusive cult leader fathers, and this book gives the DETAILS of how that played out in the Duggar family. She has overcome sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and manipulation all in the name of Christianity, and yet she still has found the truth and is pursuing Christ.
September 12, 2023
Wow. I don’t think I could ever possess Jill’s courage. Coming forward with her story is unbelievably brave, and I have all the respect in the world for her. One thing that I really took away from this book is that no matter what, Jill is always going to love her parents, and that’s okay. A lot of people online and in the media seem to have this black and white mindset of “if you’re ever hurt or betrayed by a family member, you must hate them in order to have any respect for yourself!” And that simply isn’t true. Family relationships are complicated at best. Add in an extraordinarily strict upbringing where questioning or challenging one’s parents is unheard of, to being thrust into the spotlight after being picked up by a major TV station, not to mention the abuse Jill and her sisters had to endure (and the fact that her abuse was made public)….that’s a LOT. I appreciate that Jill acknowledges that she has good memories from her childhood, she loves her brothers and sisters, and even though her parents made some SERIOUS mistakes and bad decisions (I’m being kind), Jill remembers how her parents were very involved, and loving and caring throughout her childhood, how her mother was there for her as an adult, etc.
This was a very honest memoir, and I applaud Jill for telling HER truth, even if it may not be what others were hoping to hear.
This was a very honest memoir, and I applaud Jill for telling HER truth, even if it may not be what others were hoping to hear.
November 22, 2023
Just read Jinger's book and watched the documentary about the Gothard/IBLP culture. I wonder if Jill will release the fury. I think she's rather a bit more feisty than Jinger.
*update! Read it*
About a decade ago, I was kicked out of a Facebook Group for referring to Jim Bob Duggar as a “controlling piece of shit.” Not for swearing, but for denigrating a celebrity. Even before his daughters began to get married, it was obvious that his level of control was obsessive, almost pathological, and while he let them get married, he sure as heck wasn’t going to share the benefits they’d brought to his bottom line. This book exists because of that place in Jim Bob’s heart, and how his desire for control caused a lot of rifts in the family.
One thing that stands out to me after reading both this and Jinger’s book, is that while Jim Bob was so arrogant and controlling, he certainly let his daughters marry good godly men. Derick is unflinchingly supportive of Jill and holds his ground even when Jim Bob tries to manipulate her. He always has Jill’s best interests at heart. Jinger’s husband Jeremy is a similarly solid and grounded man. Obviously neither of them were raised in IBLP, and Jill has come into her own as a confident, independent woman.
*update! Read it*
About a decade ago, I was kicked out of a Facebook Group for referring to Jim Bob Duggar as a “controlling piece of shit.” Not for swearing, but for denigrating a celebrity. Even before his daughters began to get married, it was obvious that his level of control was obsessive, almost pathological, and while he let them get married, he sure as heck wasn’t going to share the benefits they’d brought to his bottom line. This book exists because of that place in Jim Bob’s heart, and how his desire for control caused a lot of rifts in the family.
One thing that stands out to me after reading both this and Jinger’s book, is that while Jim Bob was so arrogant and controlling, he certainly let his daughters marry good godly men. Derick is unflinchingly supportive of Jill and holds his ground even when Jim Bob tries to manipulate her. He always has Jill’s best interests at heart. Jinger’s husband Jeremy is a similarly solid and grounded man. Obviously neither of them were raised in IBLP, and Jill has come into her own as a confident, independent woman.
January 11, 2024
I had a deflated reaction to this book, but my response is not a judgment of the author as a person - she is under zero obligation to share any personal experiences she doesn't want to, especially traumatic ones. My thoughts are wholly about the book, AS a book, like in terms of a published, readable thing. Ok, so. I've never seen "17 Kids and Counting," the reality show about the (many, many) Duggars, but I was intrigued by the hyper-religious practices described in the early chapters. I didn't even know about the sexual crimes her brother committed against his siblings until I was idly chatting with my partner and he was like, "Oh THAT family??" I figured the author would get into all that, but most of her memoir was about her marriage and contract disputes with the show. Any references to the abuse were surface-level, with no emotion aside from when it got leaked in the news. I'm not saying I wanted some morbidly scintillating account of all the graphic details; what I wanted was psychological weight. How did she cope having to live in the same house as her abuser? How did it change her day-to-day dynamic with him? How did it affect her when the supposedly only safe thing in her world (her family) became a source of danger? How did she grapple with the conflict of needing to be "pure" according to her religion but someone has taken that away from her? How did it influence her faith to know someone raised in the exact same Christian way as her could commit such an act? None of those questions were examined. I recognize that readers are not entitled to her therapeutic journey, but seeing as this was a memoir, I was disappointed by the lack of depth.
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December 2, 2023editing my review on 9/29 because some people seem to be upset for no reason: i am pro-Jill getting her story, and i support her and hope that she gets the help she needs, no one deserves to go through what she went through. that does not mean i cannot hold her accountable for hateful messages spread towards a community i am apart of. it is rude to assume i am a woman-hating, God-hating person, when i identify whole heartedly with the feminist AND Christian community. this is a one sentence goodreads review, it’s not that serious, and yet somehow people are okay with attacking someone’s personal beliefs. pull up your pants that Jill confirms we can wear now, and grow up.
once again, we do not support the homophobic beliefs, but this seems like even more of a tell-all than jing’s “yeah my past was bad but i still go to a person over God church”
once again, we do not support the homophobic beliefs, but this seems like even more of a tell-all than jing’s “yeah my past was bad but i still go to a person over God church”
September 25, 2023
This wasn’t a tell all and blast Jill’s parents, but a book sharing some of the joy as well as the pain and heartache Jill, and Derick, experienced. There was a lot of hurt and fear, but I appreciate the fact that neither Jill nor Derick wanted to completely turn their backs on the family even if they had to learn to set up healthy boundaries. They didn’t turn their backs on their faith because people had taken the Bible out of context. It was sad to see what money and power mixed with some unhealthy views on things can do. It was also nice to read the truth about things instead of just seeing rumors.
It was also a reminder that anything (money, power, biblical principles, etc.) can be taken to extremes causing hurt and damage to those around them. But it also reminded me that not everyone in IBLP believed the same way or thought the same as the Duggar family. (I know, I spent years in the program and have many friends who didn’t believe the extreme views that some people did.)
Overall, this was a hard but good book to read, and I just wanted to hug Jill.
It was also a reminder that anything (money, power, biblical principles, etc.) can be taken to extremes causing hurt and damage to those around them. But it also reminded me that not everyone in IBLP believed the same way or thought the same as the Duggar family. (I know, I spent years in the program and have many friends who didn’t believe the extreme views that some people did.)
Overall, this was a hard but good book to read, and I just wanted to hug Jill.
March 30, 2024
3 Stars
Jill has come a long way; realizing she was raised in a cult, that a parent's authority over their children is not forever, and it was wrong for her dad to attempt to hold her, Derek, and their children in unpaid indentured servitude for the rest of their lives. Good for her. But she still has a way to go. I hope in time she will come to realize that ultra conservative religious patriarchy is at the root of the abuse and coercive control she suffered. Although Jill and her husband have changed churches, her new beliefs aren't much different from the old; pants and a nose ring are great, but do not address the systemic misogyny in many conservative Christian churches. I want to be sympathetic, and I am to some degree, but both Jill and Derek need to see what happened to them in a larger context, and accept that their difficulties with Jim Bob are a small part of a larger problem. Also, Derek needs to stop being an anti LGBTQ bigot.
Jill has come a long way; realizing she was raised in a cult, that a parent's authority over their children is not forever, and it was wrong for her dad to attempt to hold her, Derek, and their children in unpaid indentured servitude for the rest of their lives. Good for her. But she still has a way to go. I hope in time she will come to realize that ultra conservative religious patriarchy is at the root of the abuse and coercive control she suffered. Although Jill and her husband have changed churches, her new beliefs aren't much different from the old; pants and a nose ring are great, but do not address the systemic misogyny in many conservative Christian churches. I want to be sympathetic, and I am to some degree, but both Jill and Derek need to see what happened to them in a larger context, and accept that their difficulties with Jim Bob are a small part of a larger problem. Also, Derek needs to stop being an anti LGBTQ bigot.
February 3, 2024
4 stars
I’ve never been one that watched The Duggar’s when they were on tv, but I always found large families fascinating. I was curious to read Jill’s memoir after reading her sisters, Jinger’s, last year. This book was different than Jinger’s, more informative in a lot of ways. It’s sad how some of these children were treated when they were just children. I’m glad Jill is living the life she wants to now.
I’ve never been one that watched The Duggar’s when they were on tv, but I always found large families fascinating. I was curious to read Jill’s memoir after reading her sisters, Jinger’s, last year. This book was different than Jinger’s, more informative in a lot of ways. It’s sad how some of these children were treated when they were just children. I’m glad Jill is living the life she wants to now.
Audio book source: Libby
Story Rating: 4 stars
Narrators: Jill Duggar
Narration Rating: 4 stars
Genre: Non-fiction
Length: 7h 7m
January 23, 2024
I have always found the Duggar family interesting, and have watched a few episodes of 19 Kids and Counting on YouTube, and I did wonder if behind the scenes were they as happy as they seemed?
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar attended a meeting of the Institute in Basic Life Principals and listen to the preacher Reverend Bill Gothard and his ideas. The gathering was full of ‘Model Families’ parents with lots of children, dressed identically and were all well behaved. Jill felt like she belonged, she no longer felt like the Duggar’s were strange, they fitted in and she had no idea it would change the direction of life and her relationship with her siblings and parents.
Jill Duggar and her husband Derick Dillard are ready to share their personal experiences of being on the show, how the manipulation started just prior to their wedding and Jill didn’t understand why she had to sign paperwork and what it was for? Jill was the second eldest daughter, for the age of eight she had a baby on her hip, helped out with the cooking, wore dresses and was home-schooled. The bible taught her the man was the head of the household, he made the decisions and his wife and children did what he said and even when they were adults.
Derick grew up in a Christian home, but it wasn’t as strict as Jill’s, he attended a public school, went to college and travelled to El Salvador to work as a missionary and he knew what it was like to live in the real world and Jill didn't. Derick was doing his own tax return and he asked who filed hers, she explained that her father did her taxes and he asked Jill about how much money did she make when she was in the television show for over ten years and why she didn’t have any savings?
When Derick asked Jim Bob and Michelle about this, it didn’t go well and they were extremely vague about how much money they were paid for each episode, including the telecast of Jill and Derick’s wedding and magazine shoot for the birth of their first child.
Jill started to look at her childhood and being on TV from a different perspective, she was never asked if she wanted to participate, the Big House would be full production and camera crews, and when it started a twelve year old Jill felt uncomfortable being filmed and that feeling never went away.
Through the support of Derick and lots of tears, therapy and struggling with her mental health, and constantly questioning her choice to rock the boat, and no longer being the sweet and obedient daughter. Jill meets Christian women who wear pants, have piercings and even tattoos all the things her parents said were ungodly and a sinful and the sky didn't fall down.
Five stars from me, I enjoyed Counting the Cost by Jill Duggar and I don't feel the book was written out of spite. Jill loves her parents and siblings and still keeps in contact with them and except for one of her brothers. It's Jill Duggar's personal story, she no longer wants to be on television and controlled by her parents and she now lives a normal life with her husband and three children.
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar attended a meeting of the Institute in Basic Life Principals and listen to the preacher Reverend Bill Gothard and his ideas. The gathering was full of ‘Model Families’ parents with lots of children, dressed identically and were all well behaved. Jill felt like she belonged, she no longer felt like the Duggar’s were strange, they fitted in and she had no idea it would change the direction of life and her relationship with her siblings and parents.
Jill Duggar and her husband Derick Dillard are ready to share their personal experiences of being on the show, how the manipulation started just prior to their wedding and Jill didn’t understand why she had to sign paperwork and what it was for? Jill was the second eldest daughter, for the age of eight she had a baby on her hip, helped out with the cooking, wore dresses and was home-schooled. The bible taught her the man was the head of the household, he made the decisions and his wife and children did what he said and even when they were adults.
Derick grew up in a Christian home, but it wasn’t as strict as Jill’s, he attended a public school, went to college and travelled to El Salvador to work as a missionary and he knew what it was like to live in the real world and Jill didn't. Derick was doing his own tax return and he asked who filed hers, she explained that her father did her taxes and he asked Jill about how much money did she make when she was in the television show for over ten years and why she didn’t have any savings?
When Derick asked Jim Bob and Michelle about this, it didn’t go well and they were extremely vague about how much money they were paid for each episode, including the telecast of Jill and Derick’s wedding and magazine shoot for the birth of their first child.
Jill started to look at her childhood and being on TV from a different perspective, she was never asked if she wanted to participate, the Big House would be full production and camera crews, and when it started a twelve year old Jill felt uncomfortable being filmed and that feeling never went away.
Through the support of Derick and lots of tears, therapy and struggling with her mental health, and constantly questioning her choice to rock the boat, and no longer being the sweet and obedient daughter. Jill meets Christian women who wear pants, have piercings and even tattoos all the things her parents said were ungodly and a sinful and the sky didn't fall down.
Five stars from me, I enjoyed Counting the Cost by Jill Duggar and I don't feel the book was written out of spite. Jill loves her parents and siblings and still keeps in contact with them and except for one of her brothers. It's Jill Duggar's personal story, she no longer wants to be on television and controlled by her parents and she now lives a normal life with her husband and three children.
September 30, 2023
Jill Duggar Dillard was not paid for being on the various television shows that invaded her childhood. Income had been reported to the IRS, and thus she owed back taxes for money she had never received. At one point in her struggle for financial justice, Jill's father sent her an itemized bill for her life in his household, which was conveniently estimated to nearly the full cost of the money she should have received. ("Rent" was $750/month...what kind of place are they living where the ever-growing Duggar household rent averages to that price?) It's a long legal saga and I won't repeat it all here; but the cruelty of sending your child a bill for their life under your roof...it violates the very essence of parenthood.
Counting the Cost straddles the popular genres of memoirs of people emerging from high-control religious environments and of people who were exploited by the media in childhood. Jill, unfortunately, suffered from both. Not only was her family involved in the sub-Christian Institute for Biblical Life Principles headed by sexual predator Bill Gothard, her life was ruthlessly recorded, broadcast, and exploited by her parents, TLC,snark gossip "communities," and more. Jill's privacy was horribly invaded and yet she did not get to tell her own story until now.
I have never had cable television, and the closest thing to reality TV that I watch regularly is The Great British Bake Off. Reality TV boomed during/after the writers' strike in 2007-2008, because it didn't operate under the same rules, and the "scripted" nature of reality TV does not mean there's a WGA writers' room behind it. With this year's writers' strike, it's important to be watchful of productions that circumvent reasonable restrictions to deliver content. Outside traditional media, any parent can exploit their child for views on social media platforms, livestreaming tantrums and making money off the cute moments. There are some laws on the books about child labor and compensation, but media moves faster than Congress and more must be done.
Jill does not take her book in that direction, but this is a conversation that needs to escalate. As I read her book, I was reminded of Rachael Denhollander's What Is a Girl Worth?. According to Jill's father's estimate, about $130,000. I hope Jill knows, as Denhollander says, that a girl is worth everything. More than entertainment for thousands, more than wealth that can buy Jim-Bob multiple planes, more than "saving face" after her sex-predator brother gets caught. Jill's story matters. Even as someone uninvolved with IBLP and reality TV, I know her story is important, valuable, and worth being told. She is worth everything, and it was an honor listening to her story.
Counting the Cost straddles the popular genres of memoirs of people emerging from high-control religious environments and of people who were exploited by the media in childhood. Jill, unfortunately, suffered from both. Not only was her family involved in the sub-Christian Institute for Biblical Life Principles headed by sexual predator Bill Gothard, her life was ruthlessly recorded, broadcast, and exploited by her parents, TLC,
I have never had cable television, and the closest thing to reality TV that I watch regularly is The Great British Bake Off. Reality TV boomed during/after the writers' strike in 2007-2008, because it didn't operate under the same rules, and the "scripted" nature of reality TV does not mean there's a WGA writers' room behind it. With this year's writers' strike, it's important to be watchful of productions that circumvent reasonable restrictions to deliver content. Outside traditional media, any parent can exploit their child for views on social media platforms, livestreaming tantrums and making money off the cute moments. There are some laws on the books about child labor and compensation, but media moves faster than Congress and more must be done.
Jill does not take her book in that direction, but this is a conversation that needs to escalate. As I read her book, I was reminded of Rachael Denhollander's What Is a Girl Worth?. According to Jill's father's estimate, about $130,000. I hope Jill knows, as Denhollander says, that a girl is worth everything. More than entertainment for thousands, more than wealth that can buy Jim-Bob multiple planes, more than "saving face" after her sex-predator brother gets caught. Jill's story matters. Even as someone uninvolved with IBLP and reality TV, I know her story is important, valuable, and worth being told. She is worth everything, and it was an honor listening to her story.
September 12, 2023
This took guts to write. Good job, Jill!!
September 12, 2023
Jill Duggar Dillard's memoir is darn near perfect, especially for those of us who have followed the Duggar family for decades. It was thoughtfully written, doesn't dwell on gory details for shock value, and almost painfully honest. I was riveted from start to finish. She got out of a terrible situation and is a hero for that. I hope her siblings can follow her example.
If you're into Duggar stuff, or religious trauma, or child tv stars, or reality tv, or American evangelicalism, or human interest, or really anything, read it!
If you're into Duggar stuff, or religious trauma, or child tv stars, or reality tv, or American evangelicalism, or human interest, or really anything, read it!
September 12, 2023
Absolutely riveting! Jill writes with perception, humility, insight, and humor. The look into her life is heart-breaking, but also hopeful and inspiring as she shares how she was able to disentangle herself from the trauma of her past and learn to live a life with her husband and children following Jesus for themselves and not just a list of rules. After hearing a carefully edited version from her and her siblings for years, or just her parents’ own perspective/version, Jill gets candid as she shares her story of growing up in the famous Duggar family with a no-holds barred approach in an effort to be honest and upfront…something that was denied her for years.
I also appreciate how Jill doesn’t get too specific with her brother’s horrific crimes…it’s all over the internet if anyone doesn’t have a clue, and she gives herself privacy for moments that we’re obviously painful and traumatic for her that she wasn’t able to as a child.
There’s also a lot of talk about the Duggars money all over message boards, but Jill shares her growing up years from the perspective a child who just figured her parents were handling things. The unraveling of dining out how she was cheated is said, but as someone who was raised similarly I understood and admire her bravery in being willing to speak truth and follow the Lord on her own.
The ending made me tear up and I hope for continually healing and joy for Jill.
Also…whew! Can’t believe I managed to finish it one day!
I also appreciate how Jill doesn’t get too specific with her brother’s horrific crimes…it’s all over the internet if anyone doesn’t have a clue, and she gives herself privacy for moments that we’re obviously painful and traumatic for her that she wasn’t able to as a child.
There’s also a lot of talk about the Duggars money all over message boards, but Jill shares her growing up years from the perspective a child who just figured her parents were handling things. The unraveling of dining out how she was cheated is said, but as someone who was raised similarly I understood and admire her bravery in being willing to speak truth and follow the Lord on her own.
The ending made me tear up and I hope for continually healing and joy for Jill.
Also…whew! Can’t believe I managed to finish it one day!
September 30, 2023
This book was interesting. It’s always a unique experience to learn about people whose lives are significant different than my own. It was cool to hear Jill’s side of the story, too. But the writing was awful. The sheer amount of hyperboles used was nuts and made me take the story way less seriously. Every single thing she experienced was The Worst Thing Ever.
This book was also incredibly tone deaf about so much, especially missionary work (omg can you believe we had to have a personal guard! And he died and it was the worst thing ever and I’m so sad about it, that’s why I literally only wrote a single chapter about it and never mentioned it again! Can you believe people in other countries have humanity too?? I couldn’t!! I was so surprised to find I might possibly get along with people who weren’t white omg!) and queer rights. Discussing the fact that your husband got in trouble for his tweets and standing by his side without telling the reader that the tweets were him bullying a queer kid was certainly a decision…
On the topic of Jill’s husband: It was also hard not to read this book and wonder when part two will come out, where Jill realizes her relationship with her husband is incredibly unhealthy. She clearly worships the ground he walks on and it was deeply uncomfortable to read a book that was essentially just an ode to him. The little red flags about his behavior were sprinkled constantly throughout: not listening to her when she says she’s triggered, him being the biggest victim of the fact she almost died in child birth, HIM ACCOMPANYING HER TO THERAPY?, him doing all the talking between Jill and her family. I understand that some families choose to have the man be the one in charge, and that’s all well and good, but this man has very concerning behaviors, just based off Jill’s own account.
It just ultimately seemed to me that Jill is still pretty brainwashed about almost everything. She still warships her parents and couldn’t say a bad word about them without writing six paragraphs defending herself and clarifying that she still loves them and writing a whole bunch of good stuff about them to balance it out. She’s still very ignorant about a lot of the harm the religion she’s a part of are causing, even after acknowledging that the sect of the religion she left had its issues. And she is still seemingly still in controlling relationships. Also, she doesn’t seemed to be healed from the trauma relating to her brother and seems to actively be blaming the wrong people (it was shitty that the reports were released, sure, but he and her parents were 100% the ones to blame, not the media). I don’t want to judge her healing, and she doesn’t owe it to anyone to be healed or anything, it just seems like this book was written halfway through a journey I’d be interested to see the ending of.
This book was also incredibly tone deaf about so much, especially missionary work (omg can you believe we had to have a personal guard! And he died and it was the worst thing ever and I’m so sad about it, that’s why I literally only wrote a single chapter about it and never mentioned it again! Can you believe people in other countries have humanity too?? I couldn’t!! I was so surprised to find I might possibly get along with people who weren’t white omg!) and queer rights. Discussing the fact that your husband got in trouble for his tweets and standing by his side without telling the reader that the tweets were him bullying a queer kid was certainly a decision…
On the topic of Jill’s husband: It was also hard not to read this book and wonder when part two will come out, where Jill realizes her relationship with her husband is incredibly unhealthy. She clearly worships the ground he walks on and it was deeply uncomfortable to read a book that was essentially just an ode to him. The little red flags about his behavior were sprinkled constantly throughout: not listening to her when she says she’s triggered, him being the biggest victim of the fact she almost died in child birth, HIM ACCOMPANYING HER TO THERAPY?, him doing all the talking between Jill and her family. I understand that some families choose to have the man be the one in charge, and that’s all well and good, but this man has very concerning behaviors, just based off Jill’s own account.
It just ultimately seemed to me that Jill is still pretty brainwashed about almost everything. She still warships her parents and couldn’t say a bad word about them without writing six paragraphs defending herself and clarifying that she still loves them and writing a whole bunch of good stuff about them to balance it out. She’s still very ignorant about a lot of the harm the religion she’s a part of are causing, even after acknowledging that the sect of the religion she left had its issues. And she is still seemingly still in controlling relationships. Also, she doesn’t seemed to be healed from the trauma relating to her brother and seems to actively be blaming the wrong people (it was shitty that the reports were released, sure, but he and her parents were 100% the ones to blame, not the media). I don’t want to judge her healing, and she doesn’t owe it to anyone to be healed or anything, it just seems like this book was written halfway through a journey I’d be interested to see the ending of.
September 15, 2023
4.5 stars
I will start with a disclaimer: I do not support every opinion of the Dillard family. That being said, that's true for most authors. In this case, I think our political differences don't matter, because that's not what this book is about.
This is, perhaps, not the memoir some people will want or expect. This book isn't a salacious, gossip-filled story. It does have some bombshells, but that's not the point. This story isn't about pleasing everyone. In fact, quite the opposite. It's about reclaiming a voice, a story and a life.
As a previously conservative Christian, albeit from a different denomination, I was worried this book would be triggering for me. As I, unlike Jill, have completely removed myself from religion and can find the topic, when spoken about from current Christians, triggering depending on how it's approached. But despite her faith still being front and center, and it obviously being very dear to her, Jill manages to tell her story without it alienating those who might not relate to her past or current relationship with faith.
This story is told with grace, kindness and love, yet it also unabashedly uses blunt, open honesty. Jill doesn't hold back, even when you might expect her to due to her background. But beyond that, what makes this story so well-written, is her understanding of nuance and the duality of our lives. You can really tell her therapy is paying off, because every page and chapter is filled with a beautiful nuance that acknowledges her good and bad memories, both in her past and present.
As Jill so beautifully discusses toward the end of the book, life is filled with good and bad memories. Just because a period of your life gave you painful wounds and scars, doesn't mean you didn't have any happy times from that same period. I know this is true for me, a child of a conservative church that has given me many scars, and I am sure it's true for many others as well.
While I think anyone could find something interesting in this memoir, I think this book is especially moving for those like Jill and me. Those of us who have faced an incredibly difficult faith journey, whether we ended up completely removing ourselves from religion or simply finding a new, different type of faith. Those of us who have had to face the absolute terror of losing family members, communities and, most difficult of all, the beliefs we held so dearly. None of us are without scars, that's for sure.
Lastly, I think this book is important for those who can't share their stories yet. And with this, I am of course referring to the victims of horrific abuse, as Jill and so many others were. This memoir adds another voice, another story. Through this story, it's clear - Jill will not have her voice silenced, even if people disagree with her. And goodness, do we need more stories like that.
I will start with a disclaimer: I do not support every opinion of the Dillard family. That being said, that's true for most authors. In this case, I think our political differences don't matter, because that's not what this book is about.
This is, perhaps, not the memoir some people will want or expect. This book isn't a salacious, gossip-filled story. It does have some bombshells, but that's not the point. This story isn't about pleasing everyone. In fact, quite the opposite. It's about reclaiming a voice, a story and a life.
As a previously conservative Christian, albeit from a different denomination, I was worried this book would be triggering for me. As I, unlike Jill, have completely removed myself from religion and can find the topic, when spoken about from current Christians, triggering depending on how it's approached. But despite her faith still being front and center, and it obviously being very dear to her, Jill manages to tell her story without it alienating those who might not relate to her past or current relationship with faith.
This story is told with grace, kindness and love, yet it also unabashedly uses blunt, open honesty. Jill doesn't hold back, even when you might expect her to due to her background. But beyond that, what makes this story so well-written, is her understanding of nuance and the duality of our lives. You can really tell her therapy is paying off, because every page and chapter is filled with a beautiful nuance that acknowledges her good and bad memories, both in her past and present.
As Jill so beautifully discusses toward the end of the book, life is filled with good and bad memories. Just because a period of your life gave you painful wounds and scars, doesn't mean you didn't have any happy times from that same period. I know this is true for me, a child of a conservative church that has given me many scars, and I am sure it's true for many others as well.
While I think anyone could find something interesting in this memoir, I think this book is especially moving for those like Jill and me. Those of us who have faced an incredibly difficult faith journey, whether we ended up completely removing ourselves from religion or simply finding a new, different type of faith. Those of us who have had to face the absolute terror of losing family members, communities and, most difficult of all, the beliefs we held so dearly. None of us are without scars, that's for sure.
Lastly, I think this book is important for those who can't share their stories yet. And with this, I am of course referring to the victims of horrific abuse, as Jill and so many others were. This memoir adds another voice, another story. Through this story, it's clear - Jill will not have her voice silenced, even if people disagree with her. And goodness, do we need more stories like that.
November 29, 2023
I have a bone to pick with Jim Bob Duggar
February 8, 2024
Another child star who was taken advantage of and exploited by greedy parents, except this one was under the guise of God and Religion. I can't stand the hypocrisy of these type of people. Her parents should be ashamed of so many things.
Wear your pants and live your best life, girl!
Wear your pants and live your best life, girl!
September 13, 2023
Why did this remind me of Prince Harry’s book?? Like similar setup of a secretive family, hoping for lots of bombshells after a titillating documentary was released only for the book to be a rehash of what we had learned in the documentary. Both books also had a lot of resentment towards lawsuits that didn’t work and a lot of finger pointing at outside third parties and not quite enough acknowledgement of how their families had let them down..
Read
September 15, 2023Not going to give a rating since it feels icky to rate other people’s stories. I would say that like Jinger’s book, it did not feel like it was written by a professional author, but most memoirs are that way. That did not stop me from reading it in one sitting and past my bedtime. I felt that she did not use a lot of dramatics to tell her story and did not seem to me to be out for revenge or out for a personal attack on her parents. She said a lot of loving things and kind memories and the book ended on a sweet note. Having said that, her father came off terribly. I got the impression that some of what she wrote was because of people’s speculations regarding her and her husband and that some of what she told was to clear some things up. I also felt that there were many instances where her father was abusive (not physically) and I feel very strongly about keeping abuse secret, therefore I feel she was justified in her recounting it. My overall impression was that her father had pure motives for starting to have the TV show, but quickly became greedy and desirous of control. I liked seeing the growth in Jill and admired her for holding boundaries that were in the short term hard but in the long term beneficial for her and her family.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 23, 2023
I wasn't expecting to get this book from the library and read the whole thing in just a couple hours. I really couldn't put it down - it was so interesting. All the details about her family, especially the crazy dad, and growing up in a cult, and growing up on a reality show were just so interesting to read. A really good book and inside look at their family.
To be clear - this is only a five star rating for the book itself - while this author did escape her cult, she still holds a lot of problematic beliefs I disagree with, so please don't think this five star rating is me agreeing with any of her beliefs - just rating the book.
To be clear - this is only a five star rating for the book itself - while this author did escape her cult, she still holds a lot of problematic beliefs I disagree with, so please don't think this five star rating is me agreeing with any of her beliefs - just rating the book.
September 26, 2023
I have so many thoughts after reading this. After taking a few days to process, here are my biggest takeaways/what you should expect from this book.
1. This is not like Jinger’s book. Jinger’s story focused more on her journey of spiritual maturity, but Jill’s reads more like a memoir in the traditional sense. Jill shares what it was like for her growing up in front of cameras, and her side of what has happened within the family in recent years.
2. I didn’t think this read like a “family bashing,” but it is very honest, and the truth is not always comfortable. I personally think she did a great job holding the good and the bad side-by-side and acknowledging that one doesn’t cancel out the other.
3. Some will read this and point to fundamentalism as the root problem. And although there are for sure problematic/unbiblical practices and beliefs within the IBLP and the way the Duggar family operates, I think the main problem in this narrative was greed and abuse of power. This is a cautionary tale about the temptation to justify any behavior for the sake of personal gain, even when those behaviors go against the principles you say you believe.
4. Though I don’t necessarily think this was Jill’s intent, I think her story also could lend itself to some healthy reflection on consumer culture. When people’s lives and sacred moments become something to consume for entertainment, something is wrong.
5. Great work Jill, on a well-written memoir. The writing is compelling and kept the story moving. Thank you for sharing your story.
Some notable quotes:
Was Pops really saying that he believed it was always God's desire for people to be involved in whichever ministry reached more people? […] Was he really saying that to trust God's timing, we have to be able to see the results in our lifetime?
This was contrary to what Pops had always taught us kids. We'd grown up with him reminding us that, "Little is much when God is in it," and that "We don't always see how God is working." Yet Pops' words went directly against times in the Bible where Jesus broke away from large crowds to address or minister to one person. It left me feeling confused, and kind of sad.
Pops had told us ever since we were little that we needed to be able to stand up for our convictions, even if others disagreed.
IBLP had put a lot more energy into teaching me to fear the world beyond its doors than it had put into teaching me to trust God and discern for myself how to reach a good and wise decision on any given issue.
Deep down I knew that I didn’t want to bail on my faith. I was aware that people had used the Bible to manipulate me and press on the nerve of my guilt in order to make me conform to what they felt was acceptable, but I didn’t hold that against God.
1. This is not like Jinger’s book. Jinger’s story focused more on her journey of spiritual maturity, but Jill’s reads more like a memoir in the traditional sense. Jill shares what it was like for her growing up in front of cameras, and her side of what has happened within the family in recent years.
2. I didn’t think this read like a “family bashing,” but it is very honest, and the truth is not always comfortable. I personally think she did a great job holding the good and the bad side-by-side and acknowledging that one doesn’t cancel out the other.
3. Some will read this and point to fundamentalism as the root problem. And although there are for sure problematic/unbiblical practices and beliefs within the IBLP and the way the Duggar family operates, I think the main problem in this narrative was greed and abuse of power. This is a cautionary tale about the temptation to justify any behavior for the sake of personal gain, even when those behaviors go against the principles you say you believe.
4. Though I don’t necessarily think this was Jill’s intent, I think her story also could lend itself to some healthy reflection on consumer culture. When people’s lives and sacred moments become something to consume for entertainment, something is wrong.
5. Great work Jill, on a well-written memoir. The writing is compelling and kept the story moving. Thank you for sharing your story.
Some notable quotes:
Was Pops really saying that he believed it was always God's desire for people to be involved in whichever ministry reached more people? […] Was he really saying that to trust God's timing, we have to be able to see the results in our lifetime?
This was contrary to what Pops had always taught us kids. We'd grown up with him reminding us that, "Little is much when God is in it," and that "We don't always see how God is working." Yet Pops' words went directly against times in the Bible where Jesus broke away from large crowds to address or minister to one person. It left me feeling confused, and kind of sad.
Pops had told us ever since we were little that we needed to be able to stand up for our convictions, even if others disagreed.
IBLP had put a lot more energy into teaching me to fear the world beyond its doors than it had put into teaching me to trust God and discern for myself how to reach a good and wise decision on any given issue.
Deep down I knew that I didn’t want to bail on my faith. I was aware that people had used the Bible to manipulate me and press on the nerve of my guilt in order to make me conform to what they felt was acceptable, but I didn’t hold that against God.
November 11, 2023
Jinger walked so Jill could run. Man, was this good. I listened to it while driving and kept making voice memos of my thoughts which was dangerous but also a testament to its hold over me. Strap in for an insufferably long review.
Jill is the second eldest Duggar daughter, though the fourth oldest child. In this book she recounts (heh) her experiences growing up surrounded by IBLP teachings and camera crews. Both were invasive and controlling forces in her life.
I have long been fascinated by the Duggars and the Quiverfull ideology as a whole. The “have as many babies as possible, shelter them as much as possible and train them up as ideological clones who will make as many babies as possible, repeat” strategy reminds me of Patrick Star saying “We should take Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else.”
A lot of this book felt ambivalent to me, and I have so many thoughts on it. Here they are:
There were a few things I didn’t care for or about. Jill and Derek’s aggressive pursuit of international missionary work while she was either pregnant, looking after her very young child, or both, seemed like a terrible idea to me.
Mainly, though, I wish there had been less of Derek’s feelings and more of Jill’s (I mean, down to the cover). This is for a few reasons. Jill was born into the family Derek married into. She was filmed for several more years than he was, and felt obligations to her parents and siblings he did not.
Also Derek bullied a trans teenager (Jazz Jennings) on Twitter years ago and has never apologized. It’s hard for me to view grown men who publicly lambast children as stand-up guys.
Derek aside (as he should always be), I am proud to witness redemption arcs for people-pleasing goody-two-shoes eldest daughters, like Jill Duggar and Shari Franke.
There is a lot about our parents and ourselves we might not realize until we leave home and there is some distance. I like how Jill observes that when you learn you treat yourself better and stand up for yourself, it becomes easier to treat others better and stand up for them.
It’s true that Jill has not changed much in certain ways, and it’s true that I hate her husband. Even still, shaking off the fear and boxed-in thinking of your upbringing can be a scary, isolating experience, and doing so as a public figure who was filmed throughout your youth and adolescence comes with so much more baggage and risk. I think it’s so brave to do it anyway.
Jill is the second eldest Duggar daughter, though the fourth oldest child. In this book she recounts (heh) her experiences growing up surrounded by IBLP teachings and camera crews. Both were invasive and controlling forces in her life.
I have long been fascinated by the Duggars and the Quiverfull ideology as a whole. The “have as many babies as possible, shelter them as much as possible and train them up as ideological clones who will make as many babies as possible, repeat” strategy reminds me of Patrick Star saying “We should take Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else.”
A lot of this book felt ambivalent to me, and I have so many thoughts on it. Here they are:
There were a few things I didn’t care for or about. Jill and Derek’s aggressive pursuit of international missionary work while she was either pregnant, looking after her very young child, or both, seemed like a terrible idea to me.
Mainly, though, I wish there had been less of Derek’s feelings and more of Jill’s (I mean, down to the cover). This is for a few reasons. Jill was born into the family Derek married into. She was filmed for several more years than he was, and felt obligations to her parents and siblings he did not.
Also Derek bullied a trans teenager (Jazz Jennings) on Twitter years ago and has never apologized. It’s hard for me to view grown men who publicly lambast children as stand-up guys.
Derek aside (as he should always be), I am proud to witness redemption arcs for people-pleasing goody-two-shoes eldest daughters, like Jill Duggar and Shari Franke.
There is a lot about our parents and ourselves we might not realize until we leave home and there is some distance. I like how Jill observes that when you learn you treat yourself better and stand up for yourself, it becomes easier to treat others better and stand up for them.
It’s true that Jill has not changed much in certain ways, and it’s true that I hate her husband. Even still, shaking off the fear and boxed-in thinking of your upbringing can be a scary, isolating experience, and doing so as a public figure who was filmed throughout your youth and adolescence comes with so much more baggage and risk. I think it’s so brave to do it anyway.
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